You know you are a Mountain Biker if…

1. You’re idea of fun is climbing a 6 mile, 30% grade over rocks and roots.

2. You’d defend insults about your bike before insults about your mother.

3. You’d rather shower with your bike than your honey.

4. You name your first born Onza.

5. You can recite the IMBA rules of the trail backwards in Latin.

6. Purple makes you puke!

7. Hard tail doesn’t refer to your lack or success chasing women.

8. You have a scum-bag apartment, no food in the refrigerator, a 67 Volare and a $4000.00 bike.

9. You think Christmas is just another way to get cool parts.

10. You dream of incredible feats of biking prowess and fall on your butt clipping in the next day.

11. You don’t want a convertible because it’s not a good bike car and would be worthless on dirt roads.

12. You get your income tax refund and the first thing you can think about is what new parts to buy (instead of maybe paying back the money you owe your parents).

13. Your definition of the perfect mate has to ride a mountain bike.

14. You and your bike share the same grooming habits, and yet you wonder why your still single.

15. You name your pet after a bike company (honestly, a friend of mine named his dog Mavic).

16. You ***ociate the name “Gary Fisher” refers with some winged-nut who thinks he invented the mountain bike.

17. You think some guy named Ringlé is god.

18. You think some guy named Ringlé is Satan.

18. You live in one of your parent’s homes, eat their food, owe them money, and still manage to own 4 bikes.

20. You can’t understand the appeal of hiking in the woods.

21. When you encounter a bear in the woods, you can’t decide whether to stand in front of, or behind your bike.

22. You seriously consider a 30 year state retirement at 60% of current salary instead of a 34 year at 90% because you’re 52 years old and want to maximize your riding years.

23. You like watching all the dirt go down the drain in the shower after you have ridden.

24. You could never be a leg model because your legs have too many scars, scrapes, and bruises.

25. Some one says “Ow! that must have hurt!” when they see your latest battle scar, and you start with “You should have seen it, it was so cool…I was on this gnarly ledge and….”

26. You picked the area you live in based on the potential for single track.

27. No ride days often mean trail work days

28. Family hikes are often mixed with trail work

29. When you start dating someone you try to imagine which bike they should buy so that you two can ride together.

30. When someone that you want to date says that the $600 that you spent on your bike is way too much you consider not even asking them out because they obviously don’t get it!

31. Think that a red bike, blue handlebars, and green tires are color coordinated, or at least really cool.

32. When someone at work asks what “your baby’s” name is you say Cannondale.

33. When “roughing it” means crappy shocks instead of pissing behind a bush.

34. When you spend more time in mtbr p***ion than looking for nudie pics on the web.

35. You think that a great meeting place for a blind date is your favorite trail.

36. You know how to take apart your bike but have no idea how to fix your car.

37. When you think tight shorts look great on another guy.

38. Having a bike that costs more than your car is okay.

39. Your best watch is a heart rate monitor.

40. Spending twice as much money on a frame than what “sane” people spend on the entire bike.

41. Let me rephrase that. spend more money on your front suspension fork then what most “sane” people spend on the entire bike.

42. Having silkier legs than your girlfriend, OK.

43. You daydream about all the upgrades you can do to your fork before it even arrives from UPS. Hurry up, damn UPS. I want my fork!

44. Your two favorite hyphenated words are trail-access and f’ing-roadie.

45. You spend ten hours a year doing trail maintenance but still aim for bike commuters.

46. Ride by a gaggle of roadies doing about forty in your beat-up 1979 suburban filled with guys and MT. crap on your way to the top of your shuttle run and taunt the roadies.

47. You know the names, or nom-de-plumes, of more than one Eastern Canadian.

48. You get really preachy about trail etiquette then scream “On your f’ing left!” at a pack of seniors on a wide trail.

49. You think Zap should write for Mother Jones, and pierce his tongue (if you know what I mean, and you do).

50. You hate Richard Cunningham for more than just having a stupid name.

51. You’re normally a real SOB, but when it looks like somebody needs help out there you stop without thinking.

52. You eat power bars, and actually don’t mind the taste.

53. Your ride up and down slopes you’d think twice about walking up/down.

54. You own more jerseys than business suits.

55. While driving on the freeway, you yell out “on your left!” before p***ing someone.

56. While approaching a stop light in your car you make that awkward twist motion with your foot to ‘unclip’.

57. You think it’s perfectly normal to admire another man’s leg muscles.

58. You cancel family outings due to a rainstorm but hurry to the trailhead because you know it won’t be crowded.

59. You’ve read all these ‘you know you’re a mt biker if…’ things 20 times and they still make you giggle.

60. You try to bunnyhop speedbumps and potholes by jerking on the steering wheel of your car, instead of say, braking. (much to the dismay of your
shocks.)

61. The word “taco” has two meanings for you.

62. You actually care about a gram of weight!

63. You color match you water bottle to your wardrobe.

64. You can speak about Chromo,Ti and Alu, as if they were your best friends.

65. The only numbers that mean much are: the alloy number for your frame set, your max. heart rate, and the route number to your favorite trail.

66. You refer passionately to your bike as “my steed”.

67. You have a picture of your bike in your office along side your significant other.

68. Your significant other tells you “the next time you go mtn. biking I’m leaving you” and you tell her you’re going to miss her.

69. Your always thinking..SINGLETRACK..

70. You come home from a ride covered in mud and your significant other says “your gross” and that makes you smile.

71. You tell the people at work about the spectacular crash you had and show them your battle scars and the call you “crazy”.

72. You frequently go to your basement to check up on your bike and wonder what you can do to it even though it is working fine.

73. You constantly think about what crazy challenging thing you can try next.

74. You would rather hurt yourself than your bike.

75. Your knees and elbows are full of road (trail?) rash scars and you consider these badges of honor.

76. The idea of mud excites you.

77. Your main source of protein is from swallowed bugs.

78. You know more about your chiropractor, physiotherapist, m***age therapist (fill in the blank..) than you do about your best friends and co-workers. 😉

78. You know what Slime tastes like, and have grown kinda used to it from blowing that little extra bit into the inner tube through that little clear tube.

79. You’ve ever spliced a chain with two rocks and a stick.

80. You’ve ever lost a SPD compatible shoe in a lake.

81. You’ve ever broken a B.B. spindle off during a race.

82. You’ve ever punched the bike shop mechanic in the chest and yelled “It’s all your fault!!!”, after number 81.

83. You’ve jumped off a 6 foot cliff because somebody said they’d give you $1, then didn’t accept it.

84. You find the number of a bike shop in the area your boss wants you to move to, before making a career decision that involves a 33%-50% raise.

84. Every different style picnic table you see looks like a new challenge to ride.

86. Every time you go hiking, you think ‘how cool would it be to bike this instead!’

87. Just the sight of your bike makes you smile.

88. You know your LBS phone number, but not your own mother’s.

89. Instead of sleep walking, you sleep ride.

90. Your netserver start-up page is a mountain bike page!

91. All the recent crap about “male impotence & biking” make you laugh because just the sight of your bike gives you a woody.

92. You can’t find the Latin genus type for “face plant”.

93. Your favorite ride begins with a coffee and ends with a beer

94. You know that a Mantra is not just a chant and a Bow Ti is not just for formal wear.

95. You don’t notice it getting darker earlier until you run into that tree you never knew was there.

96. You measure cost of living by checking the Mail Order Bike Shop catalogs.

97. You know that Supergo is not a gas station.

Compiled by the Dale-Man from the offerings of a bunch of friends on Mountain Bike Review web site. October 12, 1997.