Stories

Haleakala Bike Climb – An Epic Journey

October 3, 2015 by Lee Agur

The Haleakala bike climb is coined as “the longest paved climb in the world” and worthy of anyone’s bucket list. I know it was one of mine.

The reality of the climb did not really register until we had a chance to drive the entire road which seemed to go on forever, even in a car.

Haleakala Stats

Elevation of Haleakala: 3055 metres (10,023 feet)
Length of Climb: 57km (35.5 miles)
Average Grade: 5.4%
Corners: Too many
Overall Feel Of Grade: Never too steep, just very consistent the entire way
Haleakala Meaning: House of the Sun
Duration of Climb: 2.5 hours – 10 hours (Out of 1756 cyclists the average rider took 5 hours)
Temperature at the Top – Cold

The Climb

So what is climbing Haleakala really like? Well, its a grind, not in the typical sense though, Haleakala is just a nice steady 5-6% climb the entire way, there is no one location that is steep or hard. The culmination of the entire climb is difficult, it is a test of endurance.

The Route

The most common place to begin the climb is in Paia, at sea level. Make sure to touch the ocean before you begin! Start up Baldwin Ave and head to Makawao, there you just keep heading straight through the town and Baldwin Ave turns in to Olinda Road.

The first turn is at 13km (8 miles) take a right onto Hanamo Road, after 2km (1.2 miles) you will join up with State Highway 377 – also known as Haleakala Highway – take a left. (It will be the obvious uphill choice). Follow Haleakala Highway for 8km (4.9 miles) then make sure to read the obvious signage to make the left turn onto Crater Road. Follow Crater Road for 34 km and you are done! Easy right?

Stage 1

I consider stage 1 the first 23km all the way to Crater Road. If you are attempting Haleakala then stage 1 should feel like a breeze, almost like a warm up to the climb. This is the easiest stage, not only because it is the start, but because it has the lowest average grade at 4.3%.

Stage 2

Stage 2 is from the start of Crater Road to the Visitor Centre located at 2130 m (7000 feet) nearly 40km (25 miles) into the ride.

This is where it starts to get real! I ended up pulling chute on my first attempt at the 6000 foot (1828 metre) marker as I wasn’t feeling yoo hot, it didn’t help that I had broken my collar bone a week and a half before, but it was more of a stomach issue.

Stage 2 is the steepest section of the climb averaging 6.3% and you should start to feel the legs tire, combined with the dropping temperature as you climb. Hopefully, you brought an jacket, because it is about to get chilly. The climb starts to morph from a beautiful green tropical paradise to more of a desolate lunar experience.

Stage 3

Stage 3 is from the visitor centre to the top of the House of the Sun.

That 8000 foot marker is where I felt the culmination of tired, cold and food deprived. Another factor was that I really started to notice the thin air. There were sections where I felt like I should have been going 20km/hr and I would look down… 12km/hr! What??? I thought I was in beast mode, decidedly not.

You may start cursing, but before you know it you will be at 9000 feet. Then joy comes because who couldn’t make it another 1000 vertical feet? Before you know what happens you are at looking at the sign “Elev. 10,000 feet” then it is right into the parking lot, where you will notice a side walk up to the true summit.

“Excuse me, sorry,” as you pass the pedestrians to the top who are all staring in bewilderment and treating you like an absolute rockstar. You made it, now hoist that bike over your head and take a picture at the top.

Take a while at the top, enjoy the scenery, get some food, then grab your gloves and any warm gear you hopefully brought with you and start the long epic bike ride down Haleakala.

Mistakes to Avoid While Climbing Haleakala

Temperature at the Top of Haleakala

The temperature drops 3 degrees for every 1000 feet of elevation gain, meaning that it will generally drop 30 degrees Fahrenheit from the bottom to the top. The average temperature at the bottom of Haleakala is between 78 – 85 degrees Fahrenheit (25 – 30 degrees Celsius). The average temperature at the top of Haleakala is a bit unpredictable and can range from anywhere below freezing to as high as 60°F (15°C)

So what does this mean for a cyclist? Be prepared for cold weather! How much fun would it be to get to 8000-9000 feet and have to turn around because you are freezing! (Think about the descent)

Endurance and Patience

It’s a long freaking climb. There are no truly steep parts, but it is a relentless steady climb. There are almost no flats or downhills at all. Think of the first stage as a warm up, take your time, it is not a race and remember that there is some really thin air up there to add an extra little challenge. First time focus on completion, and if you are lucky enough (crazy enough) to do it again, then focus on time.

Most of all have fun and an epic journey. It will not be one to forget!

Cycling Quotes Pain

October 1, 2015 by Lee Agur

Indoor Cycling Quotes

October 1, 2015 by Lee Agur

10 Best Chamois Butter

October 1, 2015 by U.M.

There is a lot of debate about the necessity of chamois butter in the modern cycling world, particular since the introduction of synthetic chamois in cycling shorts. However, even beyond the antibacterial properties, chamois butter is also useful when it comes to comfort as it can reduce the levels of friction between your sensitive regions and the saddle, cutting down on saddle sores in the process. Here we look at ten of the best on the market today.

Chamois Butt’r Original 8oz tube

Price: $13 – $18

Marketed as the original chamois butter, this is used by a host of professional and endurance cyclists and comes with a good pedigree when it comes to performance. It is non-greasy and contains no artificial fragrances of coloring, plus it is exceptionally easy to wash off when you have finished riding.

Chamois Butt’r Her’ 8oz tube

Price: $13 – $18

Designed with the women in mind, this chamois butter utilizes a range of naturally occurring materials, such as aloe vera and tea tree oil, to create a product that feels great and performs excellently. Better yet, it is completely gluten-free, making it ideal for people who suffer from an intolerance.

Chamois Butt’rGoStik Skin Lubricant

Price: $11 – 15

This chamois butter comes in a stick, making it much easier to apply while still maintaining the effectiveness of other butters on this list. It is specially designed to protect against chafing and other skin irritations that are common in the sport of cycling.

Gooch Guard Chamois Cream

Price: $15 – $23

Comedic naming aside, Gooch Guard does exactly what it says on the tub – it protects your more sensitive regions from the rigors of cycling. Made using natural ingredients, it offers a lubricated barrier that cuts down on friction and soothes the skin at all points of the ride.

Chamois Butt’rEurostyle

Price: $17 – 20

Made using menthol and witch hazel, so you can be sure you’ll stay fresh “down there”, this chamois butter can be applied both to your skin and your cycling shorts before a ride to ensure that you reduce friction levels and protect yourself from saddle sores.

Eastern Mountain Sports PACELINE Chamois Butt’r

Price: $13 – $15

As the name implies, this is the perfect chamois butter for people who like to go a little off the beaten track when they ride and is used by both professionals and recreational cyclists alike. It washes off easily and contains no artificial fragrances, making it ideal for people looking for a natural chamois butter.

Chamois Glide Stop Saddle Sores Balm

Price: $8

Easy to apply and completely portable, so you can take it out on the road when you are adventure cycling and use it whenever you need, this chamois butter is dry and long-lasting. It also resists against sweat, so you won’t need to worry about it washing off during the ride. The least expensive, it still does the trick but it feels as if it goes on a bit dry.

DZ Nuts Pro Chamois Cream

Price $17 – $24

The name makes no bones about the area that this butter aims to protect, but it’s one that will resonate quite readily with men. The antibacterial nature of the cream means that you don’t need to worry about inflammation or other skin irritants, plus it ensures your skin heals quickly should you suffer from any chaffing incidents.

Udderly Smooth Chamois Cream

This chamois cream is enriched with Shea butter and has received rave reviews in a number of different cycling publications. It’s as smooth as the name suggests and there are few better for protecting against the hazard of chaffing and other friction-related issues.

Assos Chamois Cream

Price: $23 – $26

This chamois butter offers everything that a chamois needs, allowing the chamois to maintain its supple texture and antibacterial properties while also protecting the rider’s skin at all times. It can be applied directly onto the skin in addition to being rubbed into the chamois itself. This is our my favourite! Assos makes the best quality product on the market.

Best Cycling Multi-Tools – Ever!

September 28, 2015 by Lee Agur

The cycling multi-tool is an essential part of the kit for avid riders. It contains practically everything that you need to ensure that your bike stays in good condition and many riders will keep a good cycling multi-tool forever.

However, not all multi-tools are made equal, so we have come up with a list of a few different ones based on categories we think are important that are all worth your time.

One of the main things to look for is how many different functions the multi-tool has. For some of those shorter rides that you have your cell phone or perhaps during a race you don’t need the 20+ function multi-tool. However, if you are going on an epic back country ride, arm up for bear and grab the biggest multi tool you can!

Racing Multi Tool Review

Topeak The Mini 9-Function Bicycle Tool

Price: $14 – $17

At just 92 grams this Top Peak mini multi tool is great for quick repairs, designed to fix the essentials. Going in a race or going for a quick rip around the block? This 9 function multi tool is for you. Fit this little one in with your flat repair kit and you won’t even notice it is there.

Everyday Riding Multi Tool Reviews

Park Tool I-Beam 3 Mini Tool IB3

Price: $27

Park Tool are perhaps one of the most common brands in the cycling multi-tools industry, so it shouldn’t be a surprise to anybody that one of their tools makes the list. The I-Beam 3 is their mid-range tool, offering everything that you need for basic bike repair, plus a chain breaker and tire lever right on the multitool. It’s lightweight, compact and extremely versatile.

Topeak Hexus II Multi-tool

Price: $19 – $28

This is one of the most popular multi tools in the world and for good reason. The Hexus 2 has 16 different functions including tire levers, chain breaker and spoke wrenches along with the typical allen wrenches, philips head and flat head screwdriver. At 167 grams, this is a great everyday multi tool that takes care of most of the issues out on the road. This is one of the most well-rounded cycling multi-tools making it an excellent choice for novice road cyclists who want to have a tool handy but won’t be needing to make particularly complex repairs.

Back Country Multi Tool Reviews

Topeak Mini 20 Pro Multi-Tool

Price: $40

Featuring twenty different tool options, this multi-tool is a rather remarkable choice due to the extremely compact construction. This makes it ideal for rides where you aren’t going to be taking much equipment. However, bear in mind that this compact design can cause a few issues when it comes to tool access. The perfect tool for endurance racing and training.

Top Peak Alien 2 Multi-Tool

Price: $40 – $50

The Topeak Alien II multi-tool is pretty incredible. It’s an entire tool box that fits comfortably into your hydration pack or jersey pocket. There are 26 tools in all, and short of a cracked frame or complete fork overhaul, you should be able to fix just about anything with the Alien II. The Topeak Alien II combines pressed stainless steel with engineering-grade plastic for lightweight durability. It also splits apart for ease of use. The Alien II comes with a chain tool and a chain hook to assist with chain repairs. It also comes with a 15mm pedal wrench and two tire levers. As for Allen bits, this Alien has them covered from 2 to 10mm, with a T25 Torx also included. 8, 9, and 10mm box-end wrenches, along with 14, and 15-gauge spoke wrenches, and #2 Phillips/flat-head screwdrivers, round out the Alien II’s features. At 260 grams this multi tool has it all.

Stylish Multi Tool Review

Full Windsor The Nutter Cycling Tool

Price: $60

From solid and practical through to beautiful and interesting, this is the multi-tool for the fashion-conscious cyclist who wants to have something a little bit different. This is definitely the sexiest multi tool on the list and only weighs 110 grams. That’s not to say that this doesn’t have a good range of tools with 13 different tools, including a bottle opener, but the fact that it comes complete with a nifty saddle bag makes it a great choice for those who want something a little more stylish.

Brooks Saddles MT21 Tool Kit

Price: $60

You may end up paying a little more for this than the rest of the options on the list, but with the Brooks Multi-Tool you always know that you are going to get high-end quality. It’s heavy, stylish and features a wide range of tools and 21 different functions, making it great for adventure cycling but a little less useful for those who are trying to stay as light as possible. It comes with a knife and a bottle opener, for all your outdoors needs.

Whatever your needs may be this is a list of the best cycling multi-tools on the market! Do you have one of these or is your favourite something else? Let us know.

Biking Facts

September 28, 2015 by Lee Agur

Facts About Cycling

Whether you bike or not you are sure to find some of the fun cycling facts interesting.

History

The first human powered land vehicle was constructed by Giovanni Fontana in 1418.
The term “bicycle” first entered into popular usage in France in the 1860s.
The prototype of the mountain bike was not developed until 1977.
In 1817, Karl von Drais, a German baron, invented a horseless carriage that would help him get around faster. The two-wheeled, pedal-less device was propelled by pushing your feet against the ground, The machine became known as the “draisine,” and led to the creation of the modern-day bicycle.
Although Leonardo da Vinci drew some rough sketches of a contraption that looked like a bicycle, the Frenchman De Sivrac built the first bicycle-type vehicle in 1690. It was referred to as a hobbyhorse. However, it did not have pedals. Those were added in 1840 by a Scottish blacksmith, Kirkpatrick Macmillan, who is credited with inventing the real bicycle.
The term “bicycle” was not introduced until the 1860s, when it was coined in France to describe a new kind of two-wheeler with a mechanical drive.
Orville and Wilbur Wright, the brothers who built the first flying airplane, operated a small bike repair shop in Dayton, Ohio. They used their workshop to build the 1903 Wright Flyer.
Before the word ‘bicycle’ become popular (coming from the French word ‘bicyclette’), bikes were typically called ‘velocipedes’.
You may have heard of the Penny-farthing, an early type of bicycle that featured a front wheel significantly larger than the rear. The name comes from the old British Penny and Farthing coins which represent the large and small wheels.

Numbers

There are over a half billion bicycles in China. Bikes were first brought to China in the late 1800s.
About 100 million bicycles are manufactured worldwide each year.
There are roughly one billion bicycles in the world (about twice as many as motor vehicles) and roughly half a billion of them are in China.
Americans use their bicycles for less than one percent of all urban trips. Europeans bike in cities a lot more often—in Italy 5 percent of all trips are on bicycle, 30 percent in the Netherlands, and seven out of eight Dutch people over age 15 have a bike.
Maintaining a bike annually costs twenty times less than maintaining and driving a car.
The bicycle is the most efficient vehicle ever devised; a human on a bicycle is more efficient (in calories expended per kilo and per kilometer) than a train, truck, airplane, boat, car, or motorcycle. It is 3 times as efficient as walking.
Cycling is the worlds biggest sports goods business worth approximately 51 billion dollars annually.
Wiggle ships more than 35,000 packages per week.

Trivia Biking Facts

The energy required to cycle at low to medium speeds is roughly the same as the energy required to walk.
Cycling is the most efficient way to get around in the world.
In 1985, John Howard, Olympic cyclist and Ironman triathlon winner from the US, set the world speed record for a bicycle when he reached 152.2 mph (245,08 km/h) cycling in the slipstream of a specially designed car. The record would stand until October 3, 1995 when Dutch cyclist Fred Rompelberg pedaled in the slipstream of a dragster at 167.044 mph (268,831 km/h), a record that still stands.
Fred A. Birchmore, 25, circled the globe by bicycle in 1935. The entire trip, through Europe, Asia, and the United States, covered forty thousand miles. He pedaled about 25,000 miles. The rest was traveled by boat. He wore out seven sets of tires.
Mike Hall is the current world record holder for biking around the world in 91 days and 18 hours. Biking 28,968 km in total which averages to over 315km per day.
The worlds longest bicycle is 92 feet long.
Air-filled tyres were used on bicycles before they were used on motorcars.
The Tour de France is one of the most famous bicycle races in the world. Established in 1903, it is considered to be the biggest test of endurance out of all sports.

Health Biking Facts

Cycling three hours or 30 kilometres per week halves your risk of heart disease and strokes
Women who walk or bike 30 minutes a day have a lower risk of breast cancer.
Countries with the highest levels of cycling and walking generally have the lowest obesity rates.
A study of nearly 2,400 adults found that those who biked to work were fitter, leaner, less likely to be obese, and had better triglyceride levels, blood pressure, and insulin levels than those who didn’t active commute to work.
An adult cyclist typically has a level of fitness equivalent to someone 10 years younger and a life expectancy two years above the average.
Bicycle commuting burns an average of 540 calories per hour.
Figures show the average person will lose 13 lbs (5.8 kilograms) in their first year of cycling to work

Safety Biking Facts

A study found almost three-quarters of fatal crashes (74%) in NYC involved a head injury and nearly all bicyclists who died (97%) were not wearing a helmet. Helmets have been found to be 85% effective in preventing head injury.
The risk of fatality while cycling is just once every 32 million kilometres (20 million miles), or over 800 times around the world.

Environmental Biking Facts

How many bikes can be parked in a single car parking space in a paved lot? Anywhere from 6 to 20.
When Worldwatch Institute compared energy used per passenger-mile (calories), they found that a bicycle needed only 35 calories, whereas a car expended a whopping 1,860. Bus and trains fell about midway between, and walking still took 3 times as many calories as riding a bike the same distance.
Bicycles use 2% as much energy as cars per passenger-kilometer, and cost less than 3% as much to purchase.
If Americans double their bike use to 2% of all urban trips, they would save 3.5 billion litres of gasoline annually.
Compared to cars, a daily 16 kilometre commute saves the rider close to $15 per day, 5 kilos of carbon dioxide emissions and they burn around 360 extra calories.
On a bicycle you can travel up to 1037 kilometres on the energy equivalent of a single litre of gas.

The Best Bike Phone Mounts

September 27, 2015 by Lee Agur

Smartphones are practically ubiquitous in modern society and many newer models come with a range of features that can be extremely handy for those going on long-distance rides in areas that they are not familiar with.

If you don’t want a snazzy GPS such as the Garmin Edge 810 unit or prefer not too pay that much but still want to be able to track where you’re going and what you’re doing, your smartphone may well be the answer. However, it’s of not as useful to you tucked away in a pocket, so here we look at some of the best bicycle phone mounts on the market for people who want to keep their phone in their sight at all times.

Biologic Bike Mount WeatherCase for iPhone 5/5s/5c

Price: $35

The iPhone is one of the most popular smartphones around, so it’s only natural that the first phone mount on our list caters to it. It is a sleek and simple design that comes with vibration dampening and comes with a padded case that keeps your phone safe and sound. It fits perfectly on the stem of your bike and is waterproof thanks to the case, so you are be able to take it out in wet conditions.

Slim, pocketable design with Hard side for side protection – slides easily into a pocket when you’re off the bike.
Weather protection – sonically welded waterproof fabric with rain proof dual zippers – CushionFit padding keeps phone snug in case and protects from vibrations
Attaches securely to handlebars with the included BioLogic AnchorPoint Bar Mount
Front and rear windows allow full access to touchscreen, front and rear cameras
Fits Apple iPhone 5/5s and iPhone 5c (also fits iPhone 4/4s and similar sized phones)

RokForm Ultra Light Pro Series

Price: $99

This is one of the sturdiest bicycle phone mounts around and will ensure that your IPhone or Samsung Galaxy stays protected at all times, it even comes with an extra lanyard for additional safety. A little on the expensive side, you get what you pay for. If money is no object, this is the phone mount for you. If you are going for a mountain bike, spend the money and grab this bike phone mount.

Mounts to any bicycle that accepts 1-1/8 inch thread-less steer tubes
Feather-light, weighs 64 grams machined Billet 6061 T-6 aluminum
Includes v3 Series Magnet Kit a RokSack weather guard
Adjustable viewing angle from -20 to +55 degrees
Designed, engineered and made in the USA

Quad Lock Universal Bike Mount Kit

Price: $40

This phone bike mount really seems like it is the peoples choice. When polled people overwhelmingly answered Quad Lock. The Quad Lock Universal Bike Mount Kit is designed to allow almost any smart phone to be attached to your bike. Using a strong 3M VHB adhesive, the Universal Adaptor can be adhered to the rear of your phone. If you prefer you can also adhere the adaptor to the rear of a protective case so you can remove the case when you need to mount your phone. The Quad Lock Universal mount gives you the freedom to incorporate the Quad Lock Mounting Systems with almost any device with a flat, smooth surface.

Light weight- Easy to carry with you at all times.
Dual stage lock- Once mounted your smartphone can not be dislodged.
3M adhesive- Strong reliable adhesive that will last as long as your smartphone.
Portrait or Landscape- Use your apps in their native orientation be in portrait or landscape.
Time saver- Attach and detach your smartphone in seconds.

Tigra BikeConsole

Price: $60

Good universal bicycle phone mounts are often quite hard to come by, making this one an extremely attractive option for those who can’t find a mount that is suitable for their specific type of phone. It’s also water-resistant and shock proof, meaning you can take it on rougher rides without having to worry.

Tough housing and mounting bracket made of engineering plastics
Touch screen and access to phone functions
Waterproof and submersible
Safety locks for ultimate security
Reinforced mounting bracket with Quick Release to fit bars/stems of 20-45mm in diameter

Satechi Pro RideMate Bike Mount

Price: $40

The Satechi is another universal mount, though it sells on the cheaper side of the spectrum. You still get plenty of bang for your buck though, as the mount is able to protect against most types of weather and will also fit the vast majority of smartphones.

Excellent cycle mount holder; fits handlebars 0.79″ to 1.35″, verified
No tools required for installation; easy to set up
Water-resistant pouch; clicks onto cycle mount quickly
Swiveling base; allow for quick horizontal or vertical operation
Front panel is touch sensitive; allow quick access to functions like maps, GPS, etc
Rubber clamp strip included; prevents handlebar from scratches
Clear directions on the box; no-nonsense installation

BikeCityGuide Finn

Price: $20

If it’s a sleek and simple bicycle phone mount that you are looking for, you could do a lot worse than this option. It’s a simple piece of silicon that is able to keep your phone in place, though there is no case to protect the phone from the elements so it can only be used in fair weather conditions. One of the best features of this bike phone mount is that it works for every phone on the market – the silicon can stretch and fit over all shapes and sizes. If you are looking to go out mountain biking though… this bicycle phone mount is not for you, not only is it not waterproof but the vibrations are a little much. It is ideal for the commuter and fair weather road biker.

Ibera Bike Large Waterproof Smartphone Case

Price: $36

If your phone is on the larger side then there are few better bicycle phone mounts on the market than this one. Coming complete with a waterproof case and can hold phones with a screen size between 5 and 5.8 inches.

Designed for the Samsung Galaxy S II, S III, S4 and most smartphones
Waterproof for all weather protection
Clip-on quick-release mount (each phone case only comes with 1 mount)
Large 6″ screen
Portrait or landscape mode for GPS and app use

This is a list of the best bike phone mounts on the market today (in our opinion). Are there any bicycle phone mounts that you think we might be missing and need to add?

Best Bike Jokes of All Time!

September 26, 2015 by Lee Agur

Short Bike Jokes

A tandem rider is stopped by a police car. “What’ve I done, officer?” asks the rider.
“Perhaps you didn’t notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . .”
“Oh, thank God for that,” says the rider – “I thought I’d gone deaf!”

A Cyclists Prayer: “Dear God. If there is such a thing as reincarnation then please may I return as a ladies bicycle seat”

Jack an Jill have just climbed Le Alp de Huez on a tandem: “Phew that was a tough climb” said Jack “Thought I was going to bonk“. “Yeah good job I kept the brakes on” said Jill “or we’d have slid all the way back down!”

“I’ve really had it with my dog: he’ll chase anyone on a bicycle.”
“So what are you going to do – leave him at the dog’s home? Give him away? Sell him?”
“No, nothing that drastic. I think I’ll just confiscate his bike.”

My granny started cycling at 97 years old. She has been doing ten miles per day – and now we don’t know where the heck she is!

“Where’s your bicycle Vicar” I said, (because it was the first time I had seen him walking in 10 years!). “Don’t know, I think it might have been stolen, but I will get it back on Sunday” he replied. “At my next sermon I will go through the ten commandments. When I get to ‘thou shalt not steal’ God will sort it out, I’ve got faith”
The following week, sure enough he was riding the bike again. So I asked him if the ten commandments thing had worked as planned: “I got as far as thou shall not commit adultery…….then I suddenly remembered where I left the bike..”

Two Nuns were riding a tandem along Wapping Warf in Bristol. The Nun on the back seat (the stoker) remarked “I’ve never come this way before”, the reply “Must be the cobble stones”

Why can’t a bicycle stand up on its own?
Because it’s too tired!

The pedestrian (lemming) stepped off the kerb into the road without looking and gets knocked down by a passing cyclist:
“You were lucky” said the cyclist “What are you on about! That really hurt!” said the pedestrian “Usually I drive a bus!” the cyclist replied

If you want to know why the Brits are so good at cycling…. Then just take a look at the cost of public transport.

I’m no Tour de France expert… but it seems that the best way to win is to wear a yellow t-shirt

Q: What do you call a professional cyclist who just broke up with his girlfriend?

A: Homeless

Q: When is a bicycle not a bicycle?

A: When it turns into a driveway.

Q: How do you know you’ve married a cycling addict?

A: You laundry has more bike jerseys than clothes.

Medium Length Bike Jokes

The Tired Cyclist

A tired cyclist stuck his thumb out for a lift: After 3 hours, hadn’t got anyone to stop. Finally, a guy in a sports car pulled over and offered him a ride. But the bike wouldn’t fit in the car. The driver got some rope out of the trunk and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the rider: “If I go too fast, ring your bell and I’ll slow down.”

Everything went well until another sports car blew past them. The driver forgot all about the cyclist and put his foot down. A short distance down the road, they hammered through a speed trap.
The cop with the radar gun and radioed ahead that he had 2 sports cars heading his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, “and you’re not going to believe this, but there’s a cyclist behind them ringing his bell to pass!”.

A True Cyclists Mind

A cyclist shows up for a group ride on a new carbon speed machine.

“Hey, where did you get the new ride?”, asks one of the group.

“Well,” he says, “I was out on a ride when this really hot chick rode up alongside. We got to talking and one thing led to another and we stopped at a park. She suddenly stripped all of her clothes off and said, ‘take what you want’, so I took the bike.”

“Good thing too,” said the friend, “the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Customs

A cyclist was stopped by customs. “What’s in the bags?”, asked the officer, pointing to his panniers. “Sand,” said the cyclist. “let me take a look”, said the cop. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, refilled the bags, and continued across the border.
A week later, the same thing happened, and continued every week for a year, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few months later, the cop saw the cyclist living it up downtown. “You sure had us foxed”, said the cop. “We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word – but what was it you were smuggling? ….. “Bicycles!”

Two Nerds on a Tandem

Two nerds are riding along on a tandem, when suddenly, the one on the front slams on the brakes, gets off and starts letting air out of the tires.

The one on the back says: “HEY! What are you doing that for!?”

The first nerd says, “My seat was too high and was hurting my butt. I wanted to lower it a bit.”

So the one in the back has had enought. He jumps off, loosens his own seat and spins it round to face the other direction.

Now it’s the first guy’s turn to wonder what’s going on. “What are you doing?” he asks his friend.

“Look mate,” says the rider in the back, “if you’re going to do stupid stuff like that, I’m going home!!”

God Cycling

A devout cyclist dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the gate. The cyclist asks if there are bicycles in heaven. Peter says “Sure, let me show you,” and leads the guy into the finest Velodrome you can imagine.

“This is great,” the cyclist says. “You will love it here” says Peter. “You will be fitted to a custom track bike, the mechanics will glue on fresh silks each night, and your personal masseuse is always available.” As they speak a blur flys by them on the boards riding a gold plated Cinelli and the cyclist says “Wow he was fast, that must be Eddy Merckx!”

“No,” says Peter, “that was God, he only wishes he was Eddy”.

Cyclist Goes Out In Terrible Weather

On Saturday morning, a roadie gets up early, as he has for so many Saturday morning rides, and softly slips out of the bedroom.

He dresses quietly in the next room, grabs his helmet and water bottles, and goes out to pump the tires. As the garage door opens, he’s confronted by an icy, windswept rain.

He’s ridden before in these conditions. He doesn’t like it, but when it’s Saturday morning he never misses. He
ponders the dismal conditions and then retreats to the kitchen to tune a small TV to the Weather Channel.

The forecast only sounds worse. This is one Saturday when he just can’t summon the determination.

With a sigh, he slips off his shoes, quietly returns to the bedroom, undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife’s back and whispers, “The weather out there is terrible.”

To which she sleepily replies, “Can you believe my husband went riding in that crap?”

Long Bike Jokes

You Know You Are Addicted To Cycling IF…

You hear someone had a crash and your first question is “How’s the bike?”

Your wife tells you the only way she’ll let you ride across the country is over her dead body and you tell her, “If that’s the case, you’ll be my first speed bump!”

You have stopped even trying to explain to your other half why you need more than one bike…you just go buy another one and figure it will all work out in the divorce settlement.

You see nothing wrong with discussing the connection between hydration and urine color.

You find your Shimano touring shoes to be more comfortable and stylish than your new trainers.

You have more money invested in your bike clothes than in the rest of your combined wardrobe.

“Four cheeseburgers and four large French Fries” is for you.

You see a fit, tanned, Lycra-clad young thing ride by, and the first thing you check out is his or her bicycle.

You use wax on your chain, AND on your legs (boys).

Your first course when you eat out is a large banana split.

Your bike has more miles on its computer then your car’s odometer.

You wear your bike shorts swimming.

Your bikes are worth more than your car.

You buy a people-carrier and immediately remove the rear seats to allow your bike(s) to fit.

When you move to a new area the first thing you look for is a bike shop.

You have more bike jerseys than low-cut tops.

You take your bike along when you shop for a car – just to make sure the bike will fit inside.

You view crashes as an opportunity to upgrade components.

You clean your bike(s) more often then your house.

You put your bike in your car and the value of the total package increases by a factor of 3 (or better).

You regard inter-gender discussion of your genital pain/size/shape/utility as normal.

Your New Years resolution is to put more miles on your bike than your car, and you do it.

You can tell your other half, with a straight face that it’s too hot to mow the lawn and then bike off for a century.

Your kids bring a rear derailleur to “Show & Tell”.

Your car sits outside your garage because your garage is full of bikes and cycling gear.

A measurement of 44-36-40 doesn’t refer to the latest Playboy centrefold, but that new gear ratio you were considering.

You wear your heart monitor to bed to make sure you stay within your target zone during any extracurricular activities.

There is no time like the present, for postponing what you ought to be doing, and go bicycling instead…

You no longer require a hankie to blow your nose.

You smile at your evening date, and she politely points out that you seem to have bugs in your teeth.

You can’t seem to get to work by 8:30 AM, even for important meetings, but you don’t have any problems at all meeting your mates at 6:30 AM for a hundred-miler.

Your surgeon tells you you need a heart valve replacement and you ask if you have a choice between Presta and Schrader.

You’re too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday night but pump out a five-hour century on Saturday.

What Cyclists Say and What They Mean!

Cyclists are the biggest sandbaggers and secret trainers around. They’ll say anything to soften you up for the kill. Don’t let this happen to you. Study this handy rider’s phrasebook to find out what they really mean when they say:

I think my tire pressure is low.”

Translation: Slow down, will ya?

“I definitely have a flat tire.”

Help me change it

“This trail is a blast!”

I hope you have good medical insurance

“I’m on my beater bike”

I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using Carbon Fiber blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a fart and costs more than a divorce.

“This is a no-drop ride”

I’ll need an article of your clothing for the search-and-rescue dogs.

“That wasn’t that bad…”

Oh…my…god… I’m…having…a…heart…attack…

“Wow, that was at least 10 feet high”

5 feet max. probably closer to 4

“I don’t have a low enough gear.”

I’ve gained 5 pounds

“I’ve decided to buy a lighter bike.”

I’ve gained 10 pounds

“That climb wasn’t that bad!”

I’m going to puke

“I’m carbo loading.”

Pass the beer

“I’m tapering.”

I haven’t ridden in 2 months

“If you’re a good bike handler, you don’t need to wear a helmet.”

I’m so stupid and a brain injury wouldn’t affect me

“She hammers!”

She’s faster than me

“I bonked.”

I went too hard and all I had to eat was a twinkie

“If you don’t crash, you’re not going fast enough, dude!”

I crash a lot

“I don’t own a car.”

I’m a better person than you

“I do all my own bike maintenance.”

When I squeeze the front brake lever, the bike shifts gears

“Thanks for waiting.”

Wipe that smug grin off your ugly face

“Been riding much?”

How fit are you?

“Not much. You?”

My anaerobic threshold is 250 and my resting pulse is 14

“Well, let’s take it easy today.”

Ready, set, go!

“Hold on, there’s something wrong with my bike.”

Let’s stop so I can rest

“My tires suck!”

This climb is killing me!

“It’s getting dark.”

I wanna go home

“This bike is a piece of ****!”

I can’t ride worth ****

“This hill is easy.”

This trail’s pretty tough but I’m gonna try and lose you on it

“My bike was acting funny.”

Otherwise I would have whooped your butt!

“He’s pretty good.”

I know I’m better than him

“He spends a lot of time biking!”

I wish I was as good as him

“That thing’s a piece of ****.”

I wish I had one…

“It’s not that far”

Bring your passport.

The Ten Commandments for Cycling

1. Thou shalt have no other God than Eddy Merckx.

2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s bicycle, nor cast thy covetous eyes upon Full Carbon gadgets that thou cannot afford.

3. Thou shalt not lurk behind thy brother’s wheel for many miles and then hammer past without thanks.

4. Thou shalt not inflict upon thy bikeless brethren thy unending monologue concerning thy Training and thy step by step thoughts and feelings of thy last race.

5. Thou shalt become aware that the Pleasures that thou findeth in Cycling are not in direct proportion to the amount of cash thou parteth with, nor shalt thou giveth a large tythe of thy monthly salary to thy Local Bike Shop

6. Behold it is written that thou shalt not spend every living moment planning thy next ride lest thy spouse fileth for Divorce, thereby taketh you to the cleaners and forceth the sale of thy Bicycle.

7. Thou shalt return in kind the actions and services rendered unto you by thy Car Driving Brethren, not forgetting the Appropriate Hand Gestures and Helpful Directives as to where thou shouldst ride.

8. Thou shalt wash thy water bottles before thou noticeth vile fungi forming in the bottom, for this thing is an abomination to thy Spouse.

9. Thou shalt not use the Towel of thy Spouse to wipe down thy chain, for this also is also an abomination to her and delighteth her Lawyers.

10. Thou shalt not lie to thy elders in the peloton about thy speeds, lest thou looketh rather ridiculous next time you ride with them.

This is cycling law and if any of the commandments are broken it is a sin punishable by a flat tire, bonking and in extreme cases bad race days

The Seven Deadly Sins Of Cycling

How many of the seven deadly sins of cycling do you break? Are you an Angel or the Devil on wheels? Take the test now to see where you fit in.

1. Forgetting To Wear Your Helmet

Safety First! Brain damage is not cool.

2. Not Waving to Your Fellow Cyclist

Are you not friendly? Are you not enjoying yourself? What is the matter with you? The only valid excuse is if you are an amputee. Too many times I have ridden by cyclists giving a nice friendly wave to receive nothing in return but the look of bewilderment… as if there was something wrong with me! Wave to your fellow cyclist and at least pretend that you care.

3. Coveting Thy Neighbours Bike

Be happy with your ride! 0.01 grams lighter is not going to change you in to Eddy Merckx. Work on improving the engine, not the bike.

4. Upgradeitis

Upgradeitis is a disease that is easily contracted by cyclists and hard to treat. Once the disease has been contracted it is nearly impossible to cure. All the new “better, lighter and faster” parts are coming out and they are going to decrease your time by 0.7 seconds for every hour of riding… better get one of those overly priced uncomfortable pure carbon saddles with no butt padding… on second thought… make it two?!?!

5. Forgetting the Tubes

Did you leave your extra tubes at home? Hope you brought your phone!

6. The Wheel Sucker

Don’t be that guy… you know… that guy that sits at the back of the pack wheel sucking… or just plain sucking… not taking his turn at a pull even though he has lots of energy. Don’t be that guy.

7. Gluttony

Cycling to lose weight? Just because you went for a ride does not entitle you to six beer, a burger, fries and a side of onion rings! mmm onion rings… Ever heard of a salad with chicken?

How Sinful are you?

The Sinful Chart:

0 to 1 – Angel

2 – Saint

3 to 4 – Menace on wheels

5 to 6 – Speed Demon

7 – The Devil on Wheels

Can you help us add to the bike jokes listed above? Please leave your best bike jokes in the comments below!

Why You Should Be Excited About the Cycling World Championships Coming to the U.S.

September 26, 2015 by Adam Farabaugh

The Road Cycling World Championships happen once a year, most of the time, in Europe. The World Championships are like the Olympics where countries send their best riders as opposed to them racing for their normal trade teams. This brings an Olympic like quality event dedicated just to road cycling that is attended by the very best. The multitude of events also brings an Olympic feel where there is more than just one event to check out and watch unlike that of the Tour de France or other big races.

Cycling in Europe is something that is ingrained in the culture, particularly in some places such as Belgium or Holland. In these countries, many of the fans and spectators aren’t actually cyclists themselves whereas in the US, many people that attend the big races are into cycling one way or another. The number of high level races in North America has been steadily increasing over the years as has the size of the sport in general. Events like the World Championships in Richmond are not only huge for the sport in general in the country, but also huge in the fact that it is helping to further grow cycling in the culture.

Second Time in History

This is only the second time in history that the Road Cycling World Championships have been hosted by the United States. The first time was in 1986 in Colorado Springs, Colorado. Canada hosted Worlds twice; once in 1974 in Montreal and again in 2003 in Hamilton, Ontario, so the highest level events have been few and far between in North America. In 2013, the US hosted the Cyclocross World Championships in Louisville, Kentucky which was the first time that the event was held outside of Europe.

Home Field Advantage

Along with the World Championships mostly being held in Europe, the majority of the top level professional races are also held in Europe. This creates a home field advantage for the majority of the peloton which are from Europe. Even though most pro’s that are foreign to Europe reside there during the season, racing in a foreign country with foreign food, and a foreign language no matter how seasoned, will never feel like the comforts of home.

Travel and time zone differences also add up to another hurdle that “Euro’s” always complain of when coming to the States or Canada. North American riders now have that advantage, particularly the ones living close by to Richmond. Along with that, normally when racing in a foreign country, cheers are in foreign languages and normally for the local teams and riders. This time in Richmond, all those fans and cheers will be for American riders which gives that little bit of an extra push and motivation.

Benefits to a Cycling Culture

Cycling is engrained into European culture for a number of reasons. The history of the racing there along with how often there are races to watch and see in person are the big two. This gets a large number of people as well as kids exposed to the sport to have the chance to get into it.

Cycling is something that kids can do in many European countries as a sport just like Little League Baseball or Soccer. With such a high level cycling event in Richmond, you can bet that in the coming months and years, cycling will see a rise in the area. Not only in riding as a sport, but commuting and riding for leisure as well.

In many places around the US, cycling is not seen as a sport or as a way to get around. This will extend past Richmond as well with media coverage being highlighted across the country. The more that high level cycling events are held on TV, the higher the number of people watching the sport and in turn hopefully become inspired by what they see, particularly it not being a sport held off in some foreign country but right here in the United States.

The Thrilling Events in Person and on TV

Seeing any professional event in person is like none other. In cycling, you can’t compare the wind, noise, and rush of a peloton passing by along with its entourage of vehicles. Fortunately if you can’t make it to Richmond, watching on TV can still be great as you can see the entire race as opposed to only seeing it go by in one location. You also get the benefit of getting play-by-play commentary especially if you don’t always know what’s going on.

Team Time Trial

The team time trial is a race against the clock that is competed by trade teams oddly enough. It is a newer event that has only been around in its current form since 2012. Before 1995 however it was competed by nations but was done away with.

Time Trial

The individual race against the clock is also exciting to watch particularly if you have a certain rider or riders you are cheering for. Despite the bit less excitement than the team time trial or the road race, you have the chance to see each rider individually over the course of several hours as opposed to just seeing the riders go by in more of a blur.

Road

The road events are the feature races of the World Championships. They are classified into a number of categories with Men’s and Women’s, along with classifications of Elite, Under 23, and Junior. The feature event is the Men’s Elite which is held on the last day of the week-long event. In any World Championship the course is made to showcase a challenging and exciting course not only to race but also to watch. In Richmond they have done an incredible job of this including a twisty, cobbled climb up through Libby Park that will not only be interesting for the riders to ride but also to watch.

It’s exciting when any bike race comes to your town or country but when it’s the World Championships it’s very exciting. The best in the world will be there and American’s and Canadians alike have great shots at doing well in all events. The scope of an event this large will have a profound impact on the local community as well as cycling across the country as cycling continues to become more mainstream. Wherever you are, check it out, and get others interested as well, even if they’re not cyclists. It’s a pretty cool race and sport after all.

More information about the Road Cycling World Championships can be found on: www.richmond2015.com

Weird Inventions for Bikes

September 20, 2015 by U.M.

The cycling industry has some crazy inventions, and some that are so useful that it’s a shame they aren’t more commonly used. Some of these inventions for bikes would be amazing for improving riders’ safety on the road, and some are just beyond unique. Here are ten of the greatest inventions for bikes.

Bike Lane Lights: How great would it be if the white lines that mark the bike lane lit up in bright red at night? Turns out, that’s an actual invention! Bright red LED lights outline the bike lane, creating a high degree of visibility to oncoming traffic. These LED lights can be seen from almost a mile away! Cyclists would have a much safer environment for biking on the road if these were more widely used.
Bicycle Side Car: A small sidecar that attaches to the bicycle, and can be used for transporting groceries or even your child. These are extremely useful, especially because they can be detached and reattached as needed. This is a great tool if you have a supermarket in biking distance, and decreases gas usage by eliminating the need to drive to the store.
Helios Handlebars: These handlebars utilize colorful LED lights, which is great for nighttime riding. There is a powerful headlight on the front, as well as backwards facing lights. They also have a speedometer and GPS chip built-in, thus are one of the most multifunctional inventions for bikes. The cost is $199, but at least you could track the location of your bike if it got stolen!
LifeBEAM’s Smart Helmet: This stylish looking helmet includes a heart rate monitor, eliminating the need to wear a monitor strap on your chest or arm. The helmet monitors your pulse and transmits the information to the device of your choice, such as your smartphone, allowing you to keep track of your progress and see the data in real time as you cycle.
Wireless Bike Lock: The Lock8 bike lock operates wirelessly through transmission from your smart phone, using an app to direct the device to lock or unlock. This is a great way to prevent theft, and also includes a GPS chip for tracking. The device is built to emit a very loud alarm signal if the wire is cut, as well as notify the owner via the smart phone app.
Stick and Find Stickers: These are small, coin sized stickers that allow you to locate lost or stolen items. They can be used for anything, but are a great way to find your bike if it ever gets stolen. They emit a signal that you can track right from your smart phone.
Auto Inflating Tires: Adaptrac offers special tires that are attached to a bike pump. The pump automatically inflates the tires as needed, or based on the type of terrain you’re riding on.
Turn Signal Jacket: Now, you can wear a black jacket that has LED lights on the back. You turn these LED lights on and off using switches by your wrists. This can be used to alert people around you of your intent to turn without taking your hands off the bike.
The Copenhagen Wheel: This is device that sits inside the rim of your tires and is useful for energy conservation. It stores the energy that you put into the bike, such as when going downhill, and that energy is readily available to use the next time you need it, such as up the next hill!
Foldable Bikes: Out traveling and want to go for a ride? Grab your foldable bike and go for a rip!