Stories

The Cop Versus the Cyclist

January 2, 2014 by Lee Agur

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

The kid says, “Yeah.”

The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.” The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”

The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”

Cycling Underwear

Versatile, vintage inspired cycling underwear for women. Sexy, comfortable panties with a chamois (foam insert) sewn in for riding.

Chamois Panties are stylish, comfortable cycling underwear for women. They are great for spin class at the gym or a ride downtown. They have a foam insert sewn in for added comfort while riding. Unlike traditional riding shorts with a chamois, these panties will fit discreetly under your clothing. You can wear them under any pants, shorts, skirts, denim cutoffs, and even non-cycling specific work out clothes you already own. Urban cyclists and bike commuters can end up riding 20+ miles on any given day. Obviously spandex is not appropriate day-wear in the city, and ‘jorts’ are certainly not comfy long term on a saddle. Ouch! That’s precisely where Chamois Panties come into play. The foam insert alleviates the discomforts of riding while remaining discreet, allowing you to flaunt your own unique style. Help fund the Chamois Panties and make them a reality. Your contributions will go toward the manufacturing and distribution costs so that we can get these babies on the market!

Go to Kickstarter to help Christiana Guzman fund the project.

The Brigitte is for women of all shapes and sizes. They are flattering and comfortable with a chamois insert thick enough to protect your precious lady parts from the pains of those longer urban rides. They are full coverage with a higher, ’50s style rise in the back. They are 100% discreet under any type of skirt, pant, or short you desire to wear. In lieu of elastic is an attractive stretch lace band to avoid muffin top (no thanks, right?). Great for spin class and daily commutes.

The Bettie is for the ladies that want to feel a little sexier while they ride. The sheer mesh sides, and ruching on the back give these panties a feminine touch. You definitely won’t feel like you are wearing your grandmother’s bike undies (huh? Just go with it). Betties are lower rise in the front and show a little more cheek in the back. They are great for those cute low waisted pants or shorts but there’s still plenty of coverage so you don’t end up with plumbers’ crack. The chamois insert is a thinner, triathlon style pad offering just that extra bit of comfort you need while you bike about the city. Great for shorter, lower impact rides.

You Know You Are Addicted To Cycling If…

December 29, 2013 by Lee Agur

You Know You Are Addicted To Cycling If…

You hear someone had a crash and your first question is “How’s the bike?”

Your wife tells you the only way she’ll let you ride across the country is over her dead body and you tell her, “If that’s the case, you’ll be my first speed bump!”

You have stopped even trying to explain to your other half why you need more than one bike…you just go buy another one and figure it will all work out in the divorce settlement.

You see nothing wrong with discussing the connection between hydration and urine color.

You find your Shimano touring shoes to be more comfortable and stylish than your new trainers.

You have more money invested in your bike clothes than in the rest of your combined wardrobe.

“Four cheeseburgers and four large French Fries” is for you.

You see a fit, tanned, Lycra-clad young thing ride by, and the first thing you check out is his or her bicycle.

You use wax on your chain, AND on your legs (boys).

Your first course when you eat out is a large banana split.

Your bike has more miles on its computer then your car’s odometer.

You wear your bike shorts swimming.

Your bikes are worth more than your car.

You buy a people-carrier and immediately remove the rear seats to allow your bike(s) to fit.

When you move to a new area the first thing you look for is a bike shop.

You have more bike jerseys than low-cut tops.

You take your bike along when you shop for a car – just to make sure the bike will fit inside.

You view crashes as an opportunity to upgrade components.

You clean your bike(s) more often then your house.

You put your bike in your car and the value of the total package increases by a factor of 3 (or better).

You regard inter-gender discussion of your genital pain/size/shape/utility as normal.

Your New Years resolution is to put more miles on your bike than your car, and you do it.

You can tell your other half, with a straight face that it’s too hot to mow the lawn and then bike off for a century.

Your kids bring a rear derailleur to “Show & Tell”.

Your car sits outside your garage because your garage is full of bikes and cycling gear.

A measurement of 44-36-40 doesn’t refer to the latest Playboy centrefold, but that new gear ratio you were considering.

You wear your heart monitor to bed to make sure you stay within your target zone during any extracurricular activities.

There is no time like the present, for postponing what you ought to be doing, and go bicycling instead…

You no longer require a hankie to blow your nose.

You smile at your evening date, and she politely points out that you seem to have bugs in your teeth.

You can’t seem to get to work by 8:30 AM, even for important meetings, but you don’t have any problems at all meeting your mates at 6:30 AM for a hundred-miler.

Your surgeon tells you you need a heart valve replacement and you ask if you have a choice between Presta and Schrader.

You’re too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday night but pump out a five-hour century on Saturday.

Tour De France Joke

December 29, 2013 by Lee Agur

Tour De France Joke

A man stands atop a building obviously ready to commit suicide. A negotiator is sent in to talk him down.

“Mate, don’t do it, think of your family!”, says the negotiator.

“They’re all dead,” replies the man.

“Oh. Well your friends then.”

“Don’t have any.”

“Pets? Work colleagues? Associations?”

“Run over, sacked, asked to leave.”

“Well think of all the great sporting events to look forward too, the World Cup, the Superbowl, the Tour de France!”

“Tour de France, what’s that?”

“Jump, ya bastard!”

A True Cyclists Mind – Joke

December 29, 2013 by Lee Agur

A True Cyclists Mind – Joke

A cyclist shows up for a group ride on a new carbon speed machine.

“Hey, where did you get the new ride?”, asks one of the group.

“Well,” he says, “I was out on a ride when this really hot chick rode up alongside. We got to talking and one thing led to another and we stopped at a park. She suddenly stripped all of her clothes off and said, ‘take what you want’, so I took the bike.”

“Good thing too,” said the friend, “the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Eddy Merckx Bike Joke

December 29, 2013 by Lee Agur

Eddy Merckx Bike Joke

A devout cyclist dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the gate. The cyclist asks if there are bicycles in heaven. Peter says “Sure, let me show you,” and leads the guy into the finest Velodrome you can imagine.

“This is great,” the cyclist says. “You will love it here” says Peter. “You will be fitted to a custom track bike, the mechanics will glue on fresh silks each night, and your personal masseuse is always available.” As they speak a blur flys by them on the boards riding a gold plated Cinelli and the cyclist says “Wow he was fast, that must be Eddy Merckx!”

“No,” says Peter, “that was God, he only wishes he was Eddy”.

Fabian Cancellara Will Attempt to Beat the One Hour Record

December 26, 2013 by Lee Agur

Fabian Cancellara will attempt to beat the one hour record of 49.7 kilometres set by Ondřej Sosekna in 2005. The previous record was 49.441 set by Chris Boardman in 2000. And before that? Eddy Merckx with 49.431 in 1972.

Fabian Cancellara nicknamed “Spartacus” has won an Olympic gold medal and four World Champion time trials. The Swiss is a definite contender to take the record despite his larger frame.

Luca Guercilena, the team manager, said the attempt will be in 2014. Where is another question. The track should ideally be near sea level for optimal air density, but no decision has been made yet.

Some previous records were dismissed due to the extreme positions that the UCI banned in some new rules set out in 2000.

Fabian Cancellara one hour record attempt – 50km, one hour, can it be done?

Merry Christmas

December 25, 2013 by Lee Agur

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Everyone at I Love Bicycling hope that you have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

We hope that you got all of the cycling gear that you hoped for!

Over eat and spend some quality time with your family while enjoying some rum and eggnog.

Happy Holidays.

The I Love Bicycling Team.

Crossfit vs Cycling

December 23, 2013 by Guest Post

Crossfit vs Cycling

But it’s a GOOD cult!

I hear pretty frequently that Crossfit is a cult. Sure, it’s a “good” cult (is that like being a good witch) but it’s a cult. I can dig that.

What I don’t think these people realize is that Cycling is way more of a cult than Crossfit has figured out how to be yet.

And as someone who does both, let me tell ya, sometimes these cults are in conflict. In Crossfit you drink only gluten free hard cider where as in cycling you drink beer.

In Crossfit you eat steak and kale, in cycling you carbo load with pasta and Gu.

Luckily, both cults share a love of bacon, so I can deal with the rest of the conflicting messages.

As someone who is relatively new to both sports, I’m really lucky that both come with a rule book. In regards to Crossfit, just google “Crossfit House Rules” and you will get thousands of options of boxes around the country and their respective codes of conduct. They’re all similar. Work hard, push your limits, check your ego at the door.

In cycling, there is really only one rule book. Published by the infamous Velominati, the keepers of the cog, new and seasoned cyclists alike can appreciate the 93 rules of riding the road.

Granted, I don’t have a ton of experience with cycling clubs, but speaking for the one I ride with pretty regularly I can tell you, we know our rules.

Not only do we know the rules, but we regularly reference them. In the middle of a windy ride, someone might just yell “Rule 5” (Harden the !@#$ up) as they’re pulling the paceline and hammering away.

When I asked about a tri or racerback tank top to go with our new team kits, I was simply told “Rule 7” (tan lines should be cultivated and kept razor sharp) and it was left at that.

Most recently, after my epic derailleur fail, I decided it was time to push the new bike conversation husband and I had been having recently a little further. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my Allez, but as I bought it nearly 10 years ago now before I knew what I was really looking for in a bike, I had been itching for an upgrade.

Yes, I have a full carbon very fancy tri bike. No, it’s not the same thing.

As it turned out, hubs was more than willing to not only have the conversation, but to buy the bike. So tomorrow I will be getting fit on my brand spankin’ new Specialized Tarmac SL4 Comp Ultegra.

I’m so excited I could pee.

But wouldn’t you know it, not 15 minutes after they called me to tell me that my new bike has come in, I received a second call from the shop telling me that they had figured out how to FIX my Allez! For “only” $180 I could have her good as new and still be able to ride her from time to time if I ever desired.

I’m sure you all see where this is going. Husband didn’t quite understand it. Luckily for me, I was able to reference “the rules” and help him to know the reality of how this works.

According to Rule #12:

“While the minimum number of bikes one should own is three, the correct number is n+1, where n is the number of bikes currently owned. This equation may also be re-written as s-1, where s is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner.”

Lucky for me, 3 bikes does not equal s-1.

So as of tomorrow I will have my original road bike, my tri bike, and my fancy new bike (yes they all have names), and only one ass to ride them with.

What’s a cyclist to do?

Crossfit vs Cycling was written by Nicole Kurz over at Not the Fat Kid in Gym Class Anymore. For more of her harrowing tales of fitness, cycling and near death experiences visit her blog.