Short Bike Jokes

A tandem rider is stopped by a police car. “What’ve I done, officer?” asks the rider.
“Perhaps you didn’t notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . .”
“Oh, thank God for that,” says the rider – “I thought I’d gone deaf!”

A Cyclists Prayer: “Dear God. If there is such a thing as reincarnation then please may I return as a ladies bicycle seat”

Jack an Jill have just climbed Le Alp de Huez on a tandem: “Phew that was a tough climb” said Jack “Thought I was going to bonk“. “Yeah good job I kept the brakes on” said Jill “or we’d have slid all the way back down!”

“I’ve really had it with my dog: he’ll chase anyone on a bicycle.”
“So what are you going to do – leave him at the dog’s home? Give him away? Sell him?”
“No, nothing that drastic. I think I’ll just confiscate his bike.”

My granny started cycling at 97 years old. She has been doing ten miles per day – and now we don’t know where the heck she is!

“Where’s your bicycle Vicar” I said, (because it was the first time I had seen him walking in 10 years!). “Don’t know, I think it might have been stolen, but I will get it back on Sunday” he replied. “At my next sermon I will go through the ten commandments. When I get to ‘thou shalt not steal’ God will sort it out, I’ve got faith”
The following week, sure enough he was riding the bike again. So I asked him if the ten commandments thing had worked as planned: “I got as far as thou shall not commit adultery…….then I suddenly remembered where I left the bike..”

Two Nuns were riding a tandem along Wapping Warf in Bristol. The Nun on the back seat (the stoker) remarked “I’ve never come this way before”, the reply “Must be the cobble stones”

Why can’t a bicycle stand up on its own?
Because it’s too tired!

The pedestrian (lemming) stepped off the kerb into the road without looking and gets knocked down by a passing cyclist:
“You were lucky” said the cyclist “What are you on about! That really hurt!” said the pedestrian “Usually I drive a bus!” the cyclist replied

If you want to know why the Brits are so good at cycling…. Then just take a look at the cost of public transport.

I’m no Tour de France expert… but it seems that the best way to win is to wear a yellow t-shirt

 

Q: What do you call a professional cyclist who just broke up with his girlfriend?

A: Homeless

Q: When is a bicycle not a bicycle?

A: When it turns into a driveway.

Q: How do you know you’ve married a cycling addict?

A: You laundry has more bike jerseys than clothes.

Medium Length Bike Jokes

The Tired Cyclist

A tired cyclist stuck his thumb out for a lift: After 3 hours, hadn’t got anyone to stop. Finally, a guy in a sports car pulled over and offered him a ride. But the bike wouldn’t fit in the car. The driver got some rope out of the trunk and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the rider: “If I go too fast, ring your bell and I’ll slow down.”

Everything went well until another sports car blew past them. The driver forgot all about the cyclist and put his foot down. A short distance down the road, they hammered through a speed trap.
The cop with the radar gun and radioed ahead that he had 2 sports cars heading his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, “and you’re not going to believe this, but there’s a cyclist behind them ringing his bell to pass!”.

A True Cyclists Mind

A cyclist shows up for a group ride on a new carbon speed machine.

“Hey, where did you get the new ride?”, asks one of the group.

“Well,” he says, “I was out on a ride when this really hot chick rode up alongside. We got to talking and one thing led to another and we stopped at a park. She suddenly stripped all of her clothes off and said, ‘take what you want’, so I took the bike.”

“Good thing too,” said the friend, “the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Customs

A cyclist was stopped by customs. “What’s in the bags?”, asked the officer, pointing to his panniers. “Sand,” said the cyclist. “let me take a look”, said the cop. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, refilled the bags, and continued across the border.
A week later, the same thing happened, and continued every week for a year, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few months later, the cop saw the cyclist living it up downtown. “You sure had us foxed”, said the cop. “We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word – but what was it you were smuggling? ….. “Bicycles!”

Two Nerds on a Tandem

Two nerds are riding along on a tandem, when suddenly, the one on the front slams on the brakes, gets off and starts letting air out of the tires.

The one on the back says: “HEY! What are you doing that for!?”

The first nerd says, “My seat was too high and was hurting my butt. I wanted to lower it a bit.”

So the one in the back has had enought. He jumps off, loosens his own seat and spins it round to face the other direction.

Now it’s the first guy’s turn to wonder what’s going on. “What are you doing?” he asks his friend.

“Look mate,” says the rider in the back, “if you’re going to do stupid stuff like that, I’m going home!!”

 

God Cycling

A devout cyclist dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the gate. The cyclist asks if there are bicycles in heaven. Peter says “Sure, let me show you,” and leads the guy into the finest Velodrome you can imagine.

“This is great,” the cyclist says. “You will love it here” says Peter. “You will be fitted to a custom track bike, the mechanics will glue on fresh silks each night, and your personal masseuse is always available.” As they speak a blur flys by them on the boards riding a gold plated Cinelli and the cyclist says “Wow he was fast, that must be Eddy Merckx!”

“No,” says Peter, “that was God, he only wishes he was Eddy”.

Cyclist Goes Out In Terrible Weather

On Saturday morning, a roadie gets up early, as he has for so many Saturday morning rides, and softly slips out of the bedroom.

He dresses quietly in the next room, grabs his helmet and water bottles, and goes out to pump the tires. As the garage door opens, he’s confronted by an icy, windswept rain.

He’s ridden before in these conditions. He doesn’t like it, but when it’s Saturday morning he never misses. He
ponders the dismal conditions and then retreats to the kitchen to tune a small TV to the Weather Channel.

The forecast only sounds worse. This is one Saturday when he just can’t summon the determination.

With a sigh, he slips off his shoes, quietly returns to the bedroom, undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife’s back and whispers, “The weather out there is terrible.”

To which she sleepily replies, “Can you believe my husband went riding in that crap?”

Long Bike Jokes

You Know You Are Addicted To Cycling IF…

You hear someone had a crash and your first question is “How’s the bike?”

Your wife tells you the only way she’ll let you ride across the country is over her dead body and you tell her, “If that’s the case, you’ll be my first speed bump!”

You have stopped even trying to explain to your other half why you need more than one bike…you just go buy another one and figure it will all work out in the divorce settlement.

You see nothing wrong with discussing the connection between hydration and urine color.

You find your Shimano touring shoes to be more comfortable and stylish than your new trainers.

You have more money invested in your bike clothes than in the rest of your combined wardrobe.

“Four cheeseburgers and four large French Fries” is for you.

You see a fit, tanned, Lycra-clad young thing ride by, and the first thing you check out is his or her bicycle.

You use wax on your chain, AND on your legs (boys).

Your first course when you eat out is a large banana split.

Your bike has more miles on its computer then your car’s odometer.

You wear your bike shorts swimming.

Your bikes are worth more than your car.

You buy a people-carrier and immediately remove the rear seats to allow your bike(s) to fit.

When you move to a new area the first thing you look for is a bike shop.

You have more bike jerseys than low-cut tops.

You take your bike along when you shop for a car – just to make sure the bike will fit inside.

You view crashes as an opportunity to upgrade components.

You clean your bike(s) more often then your house.

You put your bike in your car and the value of the total package increases by a factor of 3 (or better).

You regard inter-gender discussion of your genital pain/size/shape/utility as normal.

Your New Years resolution is to put more miles on your bike than your car, and you do it.

You can tell your other half, with a straight face that it’s too hot to mow the lawn and then bike off for a century.

Your kids bring a rear derailleur to “Show & Tell”.

Your car sits outside your garage because your garage is full of bikes and cycling gear.

A measurement of 44-36-40 doesn’t refer to the latest Playboy centrefold, but that new gear ratio you were considering.

You wear your heart monitor to bed to make sure you stay within your target zone during any extracurricular activities.

There is no time like the present, for postponing what you ought to be doing, and go bicycling instead…

You no longer require a hankie to blow your nose.

You smile at your evening date, and she politely points out that you seem to have bugs in your teeth.

You can’t seem to get to work by 8:30 AM, even for important meetings, but you don’t have any problems at all meeting your mates at 6:30 AM for a hundred-miler.

Your surgeon tells you you need a heart valve replacement and you ask if you have a choice between Presta and Schrader.

You’re too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday night but pump out a five-hour century on Saturday.

 

What Cyclists Say and What They Mean!

Cyclists are the biggest sandbaggers and secret trainers around. They’ll say anything to soften you up for the kill. Don’t let this happen to you. Study this handy rider’s phrasebook to find out what they really mean when they say:

I think my tire pressure is low.”

Translation: Slow down, will ya?

“I definitely have a flat tire.”

Help me change it

“This trail is a blast!”

I hope you have good medical insurance

“I’m on my beater bike”

I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using Carbon Fiber blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a fart and costs more than a divorce.

“This is a no-drop ride”

I’ll need an article of your clothing for the search-and-rescue dogs.

“That wasn’t that bad…”

Oh…my…god… I’m…having…a…heart…attack…

“Wow, that was at least 10 feet high”

5 feet max. probably closer to 4

“I don’t have a low enough gear.”

I’ve gained 5 pounds

“I’ve decided to buy a lighter bike.”

I’ve gained 10 pounds

“That climb wasn’t that bad!”

I’m going to puke

“I’m carbo loading.”

Pass the beer

“I’m tapering.”

I haven’t ridden in 2 months

“If you’re a good bike handler, you don’t need to wear a helmet.”

I’m so stupid and a brain injury wouldn’t affect me

“She hammers!”

She’s faster than me

“I bonked.”

I went too hard and all I had to eat was a twinkie

“If you don’t crash, you’re not going fast enough, dude!”

I crash a lot

“I don’t own a car.”

I’m a better person than you

“I do all my own bike maintenance.”

When I squeeze the front brake lever, the bike shifts gears

“Thanks for waiting.”

Wipe that smug grin off your ugly face

“Been riding much?”

How fit are you?

“Not much. You?”

My anaerobic threshold is 250 and my resting pulse is 14

“Well, let’s take it easy today.”

Ready, set, go!

“Hold on, there’s something wrong with my bike.”

Let’s stop so I can rest

“My tires suck!”

This climb is killing me!

“It’s getting dark.”

I wanna go home

“This bike is a piece of ****!”

I can’t ride worth ****

“This hill is easy.”

This trail’s pretty tough but I’m gonna try and lose you on it

“My bike was acting funny.”

Otherwise I would have whooped your butt!

“He’s pretty good.”

I know I’m better than him

“He spends a lot of time biking!”

I wish I was as good as him

“That thing’s a piece of ****.”

I wish I had one…

“It’s not that far”

Bring your passport.

 

The Ten Commandments for Cycling

1. Thou shalt have no other God than Eddy Merckx.

2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s bicycle, nor cast thy covetous eyes upon Full Carbon gadgets that thou cannot afford.

3. Thou shalt not lurk behind thy brother’s wheel for many miles and then hammer past without thanks.

4. Thou shalt not inflict upon thy bikeless brethren thy unending monologue concerning thy Training and thy step by step thoughts and feelings of thy last race.

5. Thou shalt become aware that the Pleasures that thou findeth in Cycling are not in direct proportion to the amount of cash thou parteth with, nor shalt thou giveth a large tythe of thy monthly salary to thy Local Bike Shop

6. Behold it is written that thou shalt not spend every living moment planning thy next ride lest thy spouse fileth for Divorce, thereby taketh you to the cleaners and forceth the sale of thy Bicycle.

7. Thou shalt return in kind the actions and services rendered unto you by thy Car Driving Brethren, not forgetting the Appropriate Hand Gestures and Helpful Directives as to where thou shouldst ride.

8. Thou shalt wash thy water bottles before thou noticeth vile fungi forming in the bottom, for this thing is an abomination to thy Spouse.

9. Thou shalt not use the Towel of thy Spouse to wipe down thy chain, for this also is also an abomination to her and delighteth her Lawyers.

10. Thou shalt not lie to thy elders in the peloton about thy speeds, lest thou looketh rather ridiculous next time you ride with them.

This is cycling law and if any of the commandments are broken it is a sin punishable by a flat tire, bonking and in extreme cases bad race days

 

The Seven Deadly Sins Of Cycling

How many of the seven deadly sins of cycling do you break? Are you an Angel or the Devil on wheels? Take the test now to see where you fit in.

1. Forgetting To Wear Your Helmet

Safety First! Brain damage is not cool.

2. Not Waving to Your Fellow Cyclist

Are you not friendly? Are you not enjoying yourself? What is the matter with you? The only valid excuse is if you are an amputee. Too many times I have ridden by cyclists giving a nice friendly wave to receive nothing in return but the look of bewilderment… as if there was something wrong with me! Wave to your fellow cyclist and at least pretend that you care.

3. Coveting Thy Neighbours Bike

Be happy with your ride! 0.01 grams lighter is not going to change you in to Eddy Merckx. Work on improving the engine, not the bike.

4. Upgradeitis

Upgradeitis is a disease that is easily contracted by cyclists and hard to treat. Once the disease has been contracted it is nearly impossible to cure. All the new “better, lighter and faster” parts are coming out and they are going to decrease your time by 0.7 seconds for every hour of riding… better get one of those overly priced uncomfortable pure carbon saddles with no butt padding… on second thought… make it two?!?!

5. Forgetting the Tubes

Did you leave your extra tubes at home? Hope you brought your phone!

6. The Wheel Sucker

Don’t be that guy… you know… that guy that sits at the back of the pack wheel sucking… or just plain sucking… not taking his turn at a pull even though he has lots of energy. Don’t be that guy.

7. Gluttony

Cycling to lose weight? Just because you went for a ride does not entitle you to six beer, a burger, fries and a side of onion rings! mmm onion rings… Ever heard of a salad with chicken?

How Sinful are you?

The Sinful Chart:

0 to 1 – Angel

2 – Saint

3 to 4 – Menace on wheels

5 to 6 – Speed Demon

7 – The Devil on Wheels

 

Can you help us add to the bike jokes listed above? Please leave your best bike jokes in the comments below!