• Training
    • Injury Prevention
    • Training Tips
  • How To
    • Bike Fit
    • Gear
  • Nutrition
    • Nutrition Tips
    • Weight Loss
  • Repair
  • Reviews
  • Stories
    • Funny Stories
    • Jokes
    • Quotes
    • Videos
    • Funny Videos

I Love Bicycling

I Love Bicycling is a website that is geared towards cycling for beginners with road cycling tips, training articles, nutrition tips, weight loss, how to’s and bike repair articles.

Jokes

  • Funny Stories
  • Reviews
  • News

How to Beat Your Friends On a Bike!

July 25, 2015 by Lee Agur

How to Beat Your Friends On a Bike!

Are you looking for that competitive edge? Here are some amusing ways on how to beat your friends on a bike.

Put water in their tires

Deflate your friends tire and then take your bike pump and stick the end into a bucket of water, suck the water in and then pump it in to your friends tires.

Lower their seat post by a couple cm

Lowering your friends seat a couple centimetres will cause their quads to do most of the work and give them less power. It will also decrease their endurance as the quads scream for a break.

Make their brakes rub

Adjust the brakes ever so gently that the brakes are constantly rubbing. Be careful not to go overboard as they are sure to notice. Also make sure that once you have made the necessary brake adjustment that they are not too loud. All you need is a slight rubbing.

Sabotage their fuel

No one is going to get very far without proper fuel. Exchange gatorade bottles with plain water or… beer.

Let air out of their tires

Take the PSI down from 100 to 65. The lower psi will increase the rolling resistance… make sure you do not lower too much as it will be noticeable… and dangerous.

Replace saddlebags with heavy lead

Weigh the bike down as much as possible. Hide weight wherever possible, saddle bags are an obvious choice, but you can also take the handle bar caps off and hide weight in there or in a jersey… get creative.

Hold on to their seat… without them knowing

Catch a free ride. As your friend is riding, come up behind them slowly and gently grab the underside of their saddle, you can then slowly add more pressure without them knowing.

It is easier than it seems, just make sure to be gentle!

Do you have an ideas on how to beat your friends on a bike that we may be missing?

How to Talk Dirty to a Cyclist

December 22, 2014 by Lee Agur

How to Talk Dirty to a Cyclist

Rated 18A. If you are easily offended please do not read on… This is meant to be light hearted and funny.

1. Let’s ride hard and fast together and see who comes first!

How to talk dirty to a cyclist

2. Put the fun between your legs.

How to Talk Dirty to a Cyclist

3. It’s as hard as titanium but as smooth as carbon.

how to talk dirty to a cyclist

4. Sprint finish for KOM?

how to talk dirty to a cyclist

5. I want to grease your gears.

how to talk dirty to a cyclist

6. Let’s go tandem.

how to talk dirty to a cyclist

7. I love your nice sleek smooth frame!

how to talk dirty to cyclists

8. I’m in the mood for a hard and bumpy ride.

how to talk dirty to a cyclist

9. Ring my bell.

How to Talk Dirty to a Cyclist

10. If you want euphoric pleasure beyond your dreams that can last all weekend, look no further it’s between my legs. So grab my handle bars , shift into gear and make sure your tire pressure is set for this ride. Oh yes, and you will need lots of water, extra oil, and eye protection. Hold on tight there are quite a few hills ahead. Your feet are going to be clipped in so you can pump hard. Go ahead and scream with delight anytime you feel the need to. We are on a highway to the pleasure dome.

how to talk dirty to a cyclist

How do you talk dirty to a cyclist?

The Seven Deadly Sins of Cycling

May 14, 2014 by Lee Agur

The Seven Deadly Sins of Cycling

the seven deadly sins of cycling jokeHow many of the seven deadly sins of cycling do you break? Are you an Angel or the Devil on wheels? Take the test now to see where you fit in.

1. Forgetting To Wear Your Helmet

Safety First! Brain damage is not cool.

2. Not Waving to Your Fellow Cyclist

Are you not friendly? Are you not enjoying yourself? What is the matter with you? The only valid excuse is if you are an amputee. Too many times I have ridden by cyclists giving a nice friendly wave to receive nothing in return but the look of bewilderment… as if there was something wrong with me! Wave to your fellow cyclist and at least pretend that you care.

3. Coveting Thy Neighbours Bike

Be happy with your ride! 0.01 grams lighter is not going to change you in to Eddy Merckx. Work on improving the engine, not the bike.

4. Upgradeitis

Upgradeitis is a disease that is easily contracted by cyclists and hard to treat. Once the disease has been contracted it is nearly impossible to cure. All the new “better, lighter and faster” parts are coming out and they are going to decrease your time by 0.7 seconds for every hour of riding… better get one of those overly priced uncomfortable pure carbon saddles with no butt padding… on second thought… make it two?!?!

5. Forgetting the Tubes

Did you leave your extra tubes at home? Hope you brought your phone!

6. The Wheel Sucker

Don’t be that guy… you know… that guy that sits at the back of the pack wheel sucking… or just plain sucking… not taking his turn at a pull even though he has lots of energy. Don’t be that guy.

7. Gluttony

Cycling to lose weight? Just because you went for a ride does not entitle you to six beer, a burger, fries and a side of onion rings! mmm onion rings… Ever heard of a salad with chicken?

How Sinful are you? Have you ever been guilty of any of these? Rank yourself and share your result with us!

The Sinful Chart:

0 to 1 – Angel

2 – Saint

3 to 4 – Menace on wheels

5 to 6 – Speed Demon

7 – The Devil on Wheels

The Ten Commandments for Cycling

May 13, 2014 by Lee Agur

The Ten Commandments for Cycling

The Ten Commandments for Cycling1. Thou shalt have no other God than Eddy Merckx.

2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s bicycle, nor cast thy covetous eyes upon Full Carbon gadgets that thou cannot afford.

3. Thou shalt not lurk behind thy brother’s wheel for many miles and then hammer past without thanks.

4. Thou shalt not inflict upon thy bikeless brethren thy unending monologue concerning thy Training and thy step by step thoughts and feelings of thy last race.

5. Thou shalt become aware that the Pleasures that thou findeth in Cycling are not in direct proportion to the amount of cash thou parteth with, nor shalt thou giveth a large tythe of thy monthly salary to thy Local Bike Shop

6. Behold it is written that thou shalt not spend every living moment planning thy next ride lest thy spouse fileth for Divorce, thereby taketh you to the cleaners and forceth the sale of thy Bicycle.

7. Thou shalt return in kind the actions and services rendered unto you by thy Car Driving Brethren, not forgetting the Appropriate Hand Gestures and Helpful Directives as to where thou shouldst ride.

8. Thou shalt wash thy water bottles before thou noticeth vile fungi forming in the bottom, for this thing is an abomination to thy Spouse.

9. Thou shalt not use the Towel of thy Spouse to wipe down thy chain, for this also is also an abomination to her and delighteth her Lawyers.

10. Thou shalt not lie to thy elders in the peloton about thy speeds, lest thou looketh rather ridiculous next time you ride with them.

By: Vorb

This is cycling law and if any of the commandments are broken it is a sin punishable by a flat tire, bonking and in extreme cases bad race days.

Do you agree with the ten commandments for cycling? How often do you sin?

You Know You Are a Mountain Biker If…

April 8, 2014 by Lee Agur

You know you are a Mountain Biker if…

you know you are a mountain biker if1. You’re idea of fun is climbing a 6 mile, 30% grade over rocks and roots.

2. You’d defend insults about your bike before insults about your mother.

3. You’d rather shower with your bike than your honey.

4. You name your first born Onza.

5. You can recite the IMBA rules of the trail backwards in Latin.

6. Purple makes you puke!

7. Hard tail doesn’t refer to your lack or success chasing women.

8. You have a scum-bag apartment, no food in the refrigerator, a 67 Volare and a $4000.00 bike.

9. You think Christmas is just another way to get cool parts.

10. You dream of incredible feats of biking prowess and fall on your butt clipping in the next day.

11. You don’t want a convertible because it’s not a good bike car and would be worthless on dirt roads.

12. You get your income tax refund and the first thing you can think about is what new parts to buy (instead of maybe paying back the money you owe your parents).

13. Your definition of the perfect mate has to ride a mountain bike.

14. You and your bike share the same grooming habits, and yet you wonder why your still single.

15. You name your pet after a bike company (honestly, a friend of mine named his dog Mavic).

16. You ***ociate the name “Gary Fisher” refers with some winged-nut who thinks he invented the mountain bike.

17. You think some guy named Ringlé is god.

18. You think some guy named Ringlé is Satan.

18. You live in one of your parent’s homes, eat their food, owe them money, and still manage to own 4 bikes.

20. You can’t understand the appeal of hiking in the woods.

21. When you encounter a bear in the woods, you can’t decide whether to stand in front of, or behind your bike.

22. You seriously consider a 30 year state retirement at 60% of current salary instead of a 34 year at 90% because you’re 52 years old and want to maximize your riding years.

23. You like watching all the dirt go down the drain in the shower after you have ridden.

24. You could never be a leg model because your legs have too many scars, scrapes, and bruises.

25. Some one says “Ow! that must have hurt!” when they see your latest battle scar, and you start with “You should have seen it, it was so cool…I was on this gnarly ledge and….”

26. You picked the area you live in based on the potential for single track.

27. No ride days often mean trail work days

28. Family hikes are often mixed with trail work

29. When you start dating someone you try to imagine which bike they should buy so that you two can ride together.

30. When someone that you want to date says that the $600 that you spent on your bike is way too much you consider not even asking them out because they obviously don’t get it!

31. Think that a red bike, blue handlebars, and green tires are color coordinated, or at least really cool.

32. When someone at work asks what “your baby’s” name is you say Cannondale.

33. When “roughing it” means crappy shocks instead of pissing behind a bush.

34. When you spend more time in mtbr p***ion than looking for nudie pics on the web.

35. You think that a great meeting place for a blind date is your favorite trail.

36. You know how to take apart your bike but have no idea how to fix your car.

37. When you think tight shorts look great on another guy.

38. Having a bike that costs more than your car is okay.

39. Your best watch is a heart rate monitor.

40. Spending twice as much money on a frame than what “sane” people spend on the entire bike.

41. Let me rephrase that. spend more money on your front suspension fork then what most “sane” people spend on the entire bike.

42. Having silkier legs than your girlfriend, OK.

43. You daydream about all the upgrades you can do to your fork before it even arrives from UPS. Hurry up, damn UPS. I want my fork!

44. Your two favorite hyphenated words are trail-access and f’ing-roadie.

45. You spend ten hours a year doing trail maintenance but still aim for bike commuters.

46. Ride by a gaggle of roadies doing about forty in your beat-up 1979 suburban filled with guys and MT. crap on your way to the top of your shuttle run and taunt the roadies.

47. You know the names, or nom-de-plumes, of more than one Eastern Canadian.

48. You get really preachy about trail etiquette then scream “On your f’ing left!” at a pack of seniors on a wide trail.

49. You think Zap should write for Mother Jones, and pierce his tongue (if you know what I mean, and you do).

50. You hate Richard Cunningham for more than just having a stupid name.

51. You’re normally a real SOB, but when it looks like somebody needs help out there you stop without thinking.

52. You eat power bars, and actually don’t mind the taste.

53. Your ride up and down slopes you’d think twice about walking up/down.

54. You own more jerseys than business suits.

55. While driving on the freeway, you yell out “on your left!” before p***ing someone.

56. While approaching a stop light in your car you make that awkward twist motion with your foot to ‘unclip’.

57. You think it’s perfectly normal to admire another man’s leg muscles.

58. You cancel family outings due to a rainstorm but hurry to the trailhead because you know it won’t be crowded.

59. You’ve read all these ‘you know you’re a mt biker if…’ things 20 times and they still make you giggle.

60. You try to bunnyhop speedbumps and potholes by jerking on the steering wheel of your car, instead of say, braking. (much to the dismay of your
shocks.)

61. The word “taco” has two meanings for you.

62. You actually care about a gram of weight!

63. You color match you water bottle to your wardrobe.

64. You can speak about Chromo,Ti and Alu, as if they were your best friends.

65. The only numbers that mean much are: the alloy number for your frame set, your max. heart rate, and the route number to your favorite trail.

66. You refer passionately to your bike as “my steed”.

67. You have a picture of your bike in your office along side your significant other.

68. Your significant other tells you “the next time you go mtn. biking I’m leaving you” and you tell her you’re going to miss her.

69. Your always thinking..SINGLETRACK..

70. You come home from a ride covered in mud and your significant other says “your gross” and that makes you smile.

71. You tell the people at work about the spectacular crash you had and show them your battle scars and the call you “crazy”.

72. You frequently go to your basement to check up on your bike and wonder what you can do to it even though it is working fine.

73. You constantly think about what crazy challenging thing you can try next.

74. You would rather hurt yourself than your bike.

75. Your knees and elbows are full of road (trail?) rash scars and you consider these badges of honor.

76. The idea of mud excites you.

77. Your main source of protein is from swallowed bugs.

78. You know more about your chiropractor, physiotherapist, m***age therapist (fill in the blank..) than you do about your best friends and co-workers. 😉

78. You know what Slime tastes like, and have grown kinda used to it from blowing that little extra bit into the inner tube through that little clear tube.

79. You’ve ever spliced a chain with two rocks and a stick.

80. You’ve ever lost a SPD compatible shoe in a lake.

81. You’ve ever broken a B.B. spindle off during a race.

82. You’ve ever punched the bike shop mechanic in the chest and yelled “It’s all your fault!!!”, after number 81.

83. You’ve jumped off a 6 foot cliff because somebody said they’d give you $1, then didn’t accept it.

84. You find the number of a bike shop in the area your boss wants you to move to, before making a career decision that involves a 33%-50% raise.

84. Every different style picnic table you see looks like a new challenge to ride.

86. Every time you go hiking, you think ‘how cool would it be to bike this instead!’

87. Just the sight of your bike makes you smile.

88. You know your LBS phone number, but not your own mother’s.

89. Instead of sleep walking, you sleep ride.

90. Your netserver start-up page is a mountain bike page!

91. All the recent crap about “male impotence & biking” make you laugh because just the sight of your bike gives you a woody.

92. You can’t find the Latin genus type for “face plant”.

93. Your favorite ride begins with a coffee and ends with a beer

94. You know that a Mantra is not just a chant and a Bow Ti is not just for formal wear.

95. You don’t notice it getting darker earlier until you run into that tree you never knew was there.

96. You measure cost of living by checking the Mail Order Bike Shop catalogs.

97. You know that Supergo is not a gas station.

Compiled by the Dale-Man from the offerings of a bunch of friends on Mountain Bike Review web site. October 12, 1997.

Top 10 Cyclist Pick Up Lines

January 14, 2014 by Lee Agur

Top 10 Cyclist Pick Up Lines

I wheelie like you - cyclist pick up lines1. I WHEELIE like you.

2. Your pace or mine?

3. Want to get anaerobic?

4. I believe in riding with protection. (looking at a helmet)

5. Want to come over and borrow my chain whip?

6. Can I make you a recovery drink? You are going to need it.

7. Want to go for a ride?

8. I’m an endurance athlete.

9. I bet we could do some good interval training together.

10. I like your frame.

What have you got? Have you tried any of these? Have they ever worked? Leave a comment below:

The Cop Versus the Cyclist

January 2, 2014 by Lee Agur


Cop versus cyclistOn Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

The kid says, “Yeah.”

The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.” The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”

The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”

You Know You Are Addicted To Cycling If…

December 29, 2013 by Lee Agur

You Know You Are Addicted To Cycling If…

you know you are addicted to cycling ifYou hear someone had a crash and your first question is “How’s the bike?”

Your wife tells you the only way she’ll let you ride across the country is over her dead body and you tell her, “If that’s the case, you’ll be my first speed bump!”

You have stopped even trying to explain to your other half why you need more than one bike…you just go buy another one and figure it will all work out in the divorce settlement.

You see nothing wrong with discussing the connection between hydration and urine color.

You find your Shimano touring shoes to be more comfortable and stylish than your new trainers.

You have more money invested in your bike clothes than in the rest of your combined wardrobe.

“Four cheeseburgers and four large French Fries” is for you.

You see a fit, tanned, Lycra-clad young thing ride by, and the first thing you check out is his or her bicycle.

You use wax on your chain, AND on your legs (boys).

Your first course when you eat out is a large banana split.

Your bike has more miles on its computer then your car’s odometer.

You wear your bike shorts swimming.

Your bikes are worth more than your car.

You buy a people-carrier and immediately remove the rear seats to allow your bike(s) to fit.

When you move to a new area the first thing you look for is a bike shop.

You have more bike jerseys than low-cut tops.

You take your bike along when you shop for a car – just to make sure the bike will fit inside.

You view crashes as an opportunity to upgrade components.

You clean your bike(s) more often then your house.

You put your bike in your car and the value of the total package increases by a factor of 3 (or better).

You regard inter-gender discussion of your genital pain/size/shape/utility as normal.

Your New Years resolution is to put more miles on your bike than your car, and you do it.

You can tell your other half, with a straight face that it’s too hot to mow the lawn and then bike off for a century.

Your kids bring a rear derailleur to “Show & Tell”.

Your car sits outside your garage because your garage is full of bikes and cycling gear.

A measurement of 44-36-40 doesn’t refer to the latest Playboy centrefold, but that new gear ratio you were considering.

You wear your heart monitor to bed to make sure you stay within your target zone during any extracurricular activities.

There is no time like the present, for postponing what you ought to be doing, and go bicycling instead…

You no longer require a hankie to blow your nose.

You smile at your evening date, and she politely points out that you seem to have bugs in your teeth.

You can’t seem to get to work by 8:30 AM, even for important meetings, but you don’t have any problems at all meeting your mates at 6:30 AM for a hundred-miler.

Your surgeon tells you you need a heart valve replacement and you ask if you have a choice between Presta and Schrader.

You’re too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday night but pump out a five-hour century on Saturday.

Tour De France Joke

December 29, 2013 by Lee Agur

Tour De France Joke

tour de france jokeA man stands atop a building obviously ready to commit suicide. A negotiator is sent in to talk him down.

“Mate, don’t do it, think of your family!”, says the negotiator.

“They’re all dead,” replies the man.

“Oh. Well your friends then.”

“Don’t have any.”

“Pets? Work colleagues? Associations?”

“Run over, sacked, asked to leave.”

“Well think of all the great sporting events to look forward too, the World Cup, the Superbowl, the Tour de France!”

“Tour de France, what’s that?”

“Jump, ya bastard!”

A True Cyclists Mind – Joke

December 29, 2013 by Lee Agur

A True Cyclists Mind – Joke

Cyclists jokeA cyclist shows up for a group ride on a new carbon speed machine.

“Hey, where did you get the new ride?”, asks one of the group.

“Well,” he says, “I was out on a ride when this really hot chick rode up alongside. We got to talking and one thing led to another and we stopped at a park. She suddenly stripped all of her clothes off and said, ‘take what you want’, so I took the bike.”

“Good thing too,” said the friend, “the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

« Previous Page
Next Page »
  • Facebook
  • Tumblr
  • Twitter

Latest Articles

JOIN Cycling: A New Training Platform for Cyclists

May 27, 2024 By Eric Lister

cold exposure

The Benefits of Cold Exposure for Cycling & Life

June 13, 2023 By Eric Lister

hill climb

The Ultimate Hill Climb Training Guide

May 31, 2023 By Eric Lister

shoulder pain cycling

How to Treat & Avoid Shoulder Pain While Cycling

April 12, 2023 By Eric Lister

psoas stretch

The Importance of the Psoas Stretch for Cyclists

April 6, 2023 By Eric Lister

cycling neck pain

The Ultimate Guide to Cycling Neck Pain: Causes and Solutions

March 21, 2023 By Eric Lister

Useful Info

  • Contact
  • Finally, A Global Cycling Club That Is Focused On Community And Love Of Cycling!
  • Privacy Policy
  • Share Your Story!
  • Terms And Conditions Of Use
  • Welcome to I Love Bicycling
  • What Happened When I Stretched Every Day For a Month

Recent Posts

  • JOIN Cycling: A New Training Platform for Cyclists
  • How to Hang Bikes in Your Garage: 4 Inexpensive Options
  • Gravel Bike Vs. Road Bike: Which One Is Better For You?
  • The 6 Types of Mountain Bikes & How to Choose the Best One for You
  • What Is a Touring Bike Good For? 5 Benefits We Know You’ll Love

Search I Love Bicycling

Connect with Us

  • Facebook
  • RSS
  • Tumblr
  • Twitter

Copyright © 2025 · Magazine Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in